A Fresh Start

For those of you who know me, you know that I have a very complicated history. I’m proud of that history. It has not always worked in my favor…

Let me give you a bit of background for those who are new to my journey: I was born in 1996 in… pause … okay, okay… That’s too far. Let’s try this again. Let’s start in high school. Every musician ever seems to have some sob story about the time they were in high school. I am no different. While hate is a strong word, truly, I hated—no, despised—high school. I loved my time in band, choir, theatre, and my Spanish classes. I had a small but strong group of friends, most of whom I no longer speak with regularly. (If any of you are tuning in—I truly hope you’re all doing well.) Outside of the small handful of friends I had, there were quite a few people who bullied me. I don’t think they hated me. I don’t think they even disliked me. I was simply different, and they didn’t understand that.

However, in my senior year, I really came out (pun intended) of my shell. I started to make more friends outside my circle. I stayed strong and close to my core group, though. This isn’t Mean Girls, and I was not about to ditch my amazing friends for people who were suddenly seeing me as a real person. I grew in what some might call popularity. I started to really dive into my love for music. I started to show up for myself—to love myself. I still couldn’t wait to leave high school. My friend Hanna and I started counting down the days on the first day of that year. I graduated on May 10, 2014. I spent my final summer in small-town South Dakota and prepared to attend the University of South Dakota that fall.

Fall of 2014 arrived, and I could not wait to start at USD. “This is my fresh start!” I thought to myself. I loved college, but my first year was tough. I was not prepared for my general education classes. In my music and education courses, I was earning straight A’s. My generals? Cough… not so much. I failed many of them on the first try. I failed quite a few on the second try. It wasn’t that I was bad at these subjects—I simply had no motivation to learn them. As an educator now, I understand why, but that’s a story for a different time.

By the end of my freshman year, I was struggling with a 5-month bout of “pneumonia.” (Foreshadowing…) Suddenly, even my music classes suffered. I made it through, though. My sophomore year, I got severely depressed, but I pushed through. My junior year was the first time I felt in control of everything. Grades were great. I felt healthy. I was thriving both in school and socially. Everything was working. That lasted through the first half of my senior year, too.

Then came January 10, 2018—my birthday! I woke up after a very fun night out on the town. The “town” being Vermillion, SD—so, five bars with varying degrees of anxiety. I had a popped blood vessel in my right eye. Eight months and many doctors later, it was, in fact, NOT a popped blood vessel. My body was failing, and on August 3, 2018, I was diagnosed with Wegener’s disease (granulomatosis with polyangiitis—I can, in fact, say that five times fast. Stop asking). What started as a popped blood vessel turned out to be the first outward symptom of this rare disease.

I began my fifth year of undergrad, dropping my performance degree to focus on my health and finish my education degree. To this day, despite what has come since, that was by far the hardest year of my life. I had never felt more alone than in the nine months after my diagnosis. I was in physical pain every day. I had a support system, but they didn’t know how to ask what I needed, and I was even less equipped to tell them. I failed some classes, visited more doctors in that year than I probably had my entire childhood (and I was constantly sick growing up), and decided to add another year to my degree to take things more slowly.

And I did. I spent the year working part-time as a barista while finishing my degree online and then student teaching. I student-taught in the spring of 2020!…

Yup… COVID…

Half my student-teaching experience was online due to the pandemic, but I did it! Honestly, I’m grateful for that experience. I accepted a teaching job where I had to teach both online and in person. My student-teaching experience gave me everything I needed to succeed at that. “Finally! A new start!” I thought. I loved my first year of public school teaching. At that point, I had already spent summers teaching summer school programs and camps, so it felt like a breeze. I am grateful that I had such success in my first year of teaching; I know most don’t. I left that school for personal reasons—which, in itself, did not work out—but I’d love to go back and work with those kids again. But leaving allowed me to pursue my master’s degree.

I moved back to Vermillion, SD. Again, I said to myself, “Finally, a new start!” I ROCKED my master’s degree. Well… most of it. I graduated with a 4.0, absorbed all the information I could, and met some of the most amazing people I’ve ever worked with. However, in early December 2022, I discovered what can only be described as a “lesion” on my right eye. The white part of my eye had melted off. It’s called scleral melt. I do not recommend looking it up—it’s a very disturbing image if you’re squeamish about eye stuff. I named it Cornflake. Cornflake and I traveled over 15,000 miles with my mom back and forth to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. At least one trip per week, most of the time. I was lucky not to lose my eye, but I would never want to go through that again. It was painful and exhausting. It’s a story for another day.

Despite that, I graduated! I performed my master’s recital just five days after my final eye surgery. During this time, I was accepted into one of the most prestigious conservatories in the U.S. for voice performance for my doctorate. For a variety of reasons, it was best that I turned it down. I took a gap year to focus on my health, pay off some medical debt, and premiere a fantastic new opera. When I re-auditioned for my doctorate, I was denied by the same program. But I also auditioned for another school with a growing vocology department. I love vocology. I signed on the dotted line and moved 1,000 miles away for the first time in my life.

Finally, a new start—and this time, it truly has been. Other than dragging one of my best friends with me to be my roommate, everyone here is new. They don’t know my past. (If one of you is reading this, now you know a small glimpse.) They don’t know the struggles that led me here.

I struggled mentally this first semester. My performances felt lackluster. I felt like I didn’t get to show my peers my best self. My true voice. My work ethic. My personality. Not yet. But this has been a fresh start and a really good one. I love it here. I’ve found great friends. I’ve worked hard. I’ve shown up. My voice has grown exponentially. Now, I’m working on finding my confidence again. It’s there. I can feel it. I just can’t wait to see how it will color the stage when I sing again.

Now, it’s 2025, and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. Maybe this is the confidence trying to poke through, but just wait. I have big things to share. Until then, I have a trip to Italy to raise money for, another semester to crush, friends to build relationships with, and music to learn.

Happy 2025!

A Fresh Start…